Pink Town

A recent article in the local newspaper caught my eye; "Fair Haven to Become 'Pink Haven' in April."  This year three of my neighboring towns will be taking part in a campaign known as "Paint The Town Pink". Red Bank, Monmouth Beach and Fairhaven, will all magically morph into Pink Bank, Pink Beach and Pink Haven.  All in aid of, you got it....not research...but breast cancer awareness, prevention and promotion of annual mammography for women.

Most of my regular readers will understand when I say that my first reaction to this news was to  emigrate.  Somewhere far away.  Like Mongolia.  Or Siberia.  Even Antarctica seems like an attractive option.  But would these places be far enough?  Perhaps I can find a spot on an upcoming space mission.

The pink festival will run from April 30 through May 7.  In addition to certain town roads having a pink stripe painted down the middle of them, options for community involvement include:

"...placing a pink piggy bank in a business for donations, window painting contests, pledge contests, or hosting an in-store event during the week.

Residents could also participate through a "Pink Your House" contest where residents would be provided a "Pink Starter Kit" containing lawn signs, flags, and other decorations."

Yes !  Pink your town! Pink your roads! Pink your business! Pink your house!  Show your community that you don't give a crap about other cancers, or other incurable diseases, or anyone else for that matter who might not feel comfortable with all this pinkification.

Then I thought, perhaps it's time I stopped being a snarky cynic.  Maybe it's time to get on board with the breast cancer celebrations and really throw myself into supporting the towns' efforts in raising funds for more breast cancer awareness.  Okay,  so awareness won't ever result in a cure but let's not worry about such trifling matters for now.

So I've come up with an idea.  I'm going to pitch a piece of performance art to each of the towns mayors which will speak to breast cancer awareness.  I hope that they will love it and will allow me to perform it during Breast Cancer Party Week.

Here's what I have in mind.

Sort of like this but with a
cancerous tumor

First I will take a piece of couch foam and a can of spray paint and fashion a large cancerous breast costume for myself.  For some added glamor I will drape myself in a Miss Pink Elegance sash and bedeck my soon-to-be-bald head with a pink rhinestone crown.

Then I will take my breast costumed self to the main street of Pink Haven and I will lie down in the middle of the pink striped road.  It is then that I will give a secret signal to my support team, and I will pretend to be run over by either this cement mixer or this tractor.  Probably the cement mixer for maximum effect.





It is at that point that my support team will summons the police.   The police will take one look at me and immediately call an ambulance.

From there I will be carted off to the Pink Bank hospital.  I will be greeted in the emergency room by the medical staff who, for added enjoyment in the performance art piece, will engage in the "pink glove dance".

Then whilst I am being fake-treated at the hospital we will stage a fire drill.  Someone will summons the local fire department.  All of this staged drama will be caught on camera by the local television station.

Emerging from the hospital in my crumpled foam cancerous breast costume, I will be greeted by the local press corps.  I will proudly and symbolically declare that the town of Pink Bank has successfully crushed breast cancer and I am now a victorious survivor.  Performance art piece complete.

In the evening, I imagine the breast cancer party will continue.  All the town residents will gather in the town square.  There'll be pink confetti.  Pink ticker tape.  Pink balloons.  Pink t-shirts. And pink feather boas for all.

And with any luck Susan G Komen for the Cure ® will also show up in Pink Bank,  just like they did for the 2009 Paint Your Town Pink event in Charlotte, North Carolina.  As the local newspaper proudly declared;

DRINK PINK

Paint the Town Pink bar crawl for Susan G. Komen

Pony up $5 at a participating bar this Friday (full list of locations at www.komencharlotte.org) and you'll get a special pink cup that you can carry with you all night long to 12 different bars - present it and you'll get a deal on drinks and the proceeds from the cups will go to the Susan G. Komen...

This is genius. Pink Bank is known for its bar scene and what better way to raise awareness for breast cancer and money for the cause by engaging in some altruistic binge drinking.

Now I know the American Cancer Society wants to get all serious and rain on our pink parade by putting out blurb like this:

"The use of alcohol is clearly linked to an increased risk of developing breast cancer. The risk increases with the amount of alcohol consumed. Compared with non-drinkers, women who consume 1 alcoholic drink a day have a very small increase in risk. Those who have 2 to 5 drinks daily have about 1½ times the risk of women who drink no alcohol. Excessive alcohol use is also known to increase the risk of developing cancers of the mouth, throat, esophagus, and liver. The American Cancer Society recommends that women limit their consumption of alcohol to no more than one drink a day."

And even Susan G Komen for the Cure®'s website which has a whole section on "Drinking Alcohol" ,  gets in on the depressing act and declares ..."Alcohol may increase breast cancer risk in several ways."

To the pink party-poopers of this world, statements like these might imply that perhaps one should exercise caution in engaging in excessive partying with alcohol.  Even if it is "for the Cure".  But who cares?  It's all just a bit of fun, and it's for a good cause, right?

Anyway once the celebrations are over, and all those pink ribbons, balloons and pink boas have been discarded and the townsfolk have headed home with bleary pink eyes, and a blood alcohol limit that may increase their  risk for breast cancer, the towns' sanitation crews will move in for the cleanup.

I will go home, satisfied and happy with the knowledge that today I helped raise awareness for breast cancer.  The next morning I will sadly discard my cancerous breast costume and take down all that pink bunting and pink ribbons bedazzling my house.  All that is left is for me to do is take out the garbage.

The breast cancer party is over.  At least until October rolls around.