Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Putting the Breast Back in Christmas

Thank goodness Pinktober is over and we can start getting back to some normality around here.  I love November, excuse me Movember, which is the best excuse I can think of for not having to wax my upper lip this month.  Yay men's health and yay support and attention for cancer's other than breast !

It will be interesting to watch how this particular campaign continues to develop.    Not to turn this into a boys (Mo's)-vs-girls (Pink's)-schoolyard scrap, but I'm sure, like anything inherently good, the corporate commercialization vultures will soon be circling around another worthy cause looking for any excuse to appear benevolent and raise profits at the same time.   After all, mustaches are a cute, funny and somewhat sexy way to symbolize men's cancers without all the gory details,  and the global Movember campaign appears to be successful so far in capturing the public's imagination.  Corporate marketers dream written all over it.  Good luck to you guys.  I hope you're able to keep control of the message, evolve it when you need to, maximize the $ raised, and use those $ for game-changing results in the fight against men's cancer.  Oh and do try to keep your domain a Mustache-Washed Free Zone. The capitalists will try anything.  Watch this space.

Moving right along, when I started writing this blog back in 2009, I didn't really know how it would grow, whether it would flourish,  nor exactly what my focus would be.  I just wanted to write.  I also hoped to make some comment on my perception of the culture of breast cancer.  Because it really does exist.  In the beginning, I worried that I would run out of things to write about.  But, fortunately, I live in the Pink Asylum run by the idiot-savant Pinkatics who give me plenty of material to ponder and share with my dear readers.

Now it being November Movember and all, it's about the time of year that I start thinking about Christmas.  Yes, despite no apparent religious affiliations and a positively atheistically-pleasing upbringing, I like to celebrate Christmas.  Not "Holidays". Christmas.  Even though God and I are not really on speaking terms right now, despite my agnostic Catholic husband's protestations that "they might be right" and "you might end up in hell if  you don't get baptized so do it just in case", I still like to celebrate the Son of God's birthday. And I like to go all out.  Big-ass Christmas tree, cheesy nativity scenes, non-matching decorations, 24/7 carols from December 1 on, egg-nog, drunken fruity Christmas cake,   shortbread, gaily-wrapped presents, Christmas cards strung over the fireplace, inside and outside lights as bright as Las Vegas, you name it I'm doing it. I love it !!!

Do you know where I'm going this ?

Well dear readers, I put it to you, that we don't have to limit our celebration of all things breast cancer to just PinkTober.  Let's put the "Breast" back in Christmas, I say.  Because nothing screams festive like breast cancer at Christmastime now does it ?  Behold, my 2010 Christmas Breastmas to-do list.


1. Send Breastmas cards. Message to read:  Dear X,  Just in case you forgot that I have Breast Cancer and you don't , please send me a really big gift. Merry Breastmas !  Love Anna

I found much tackier examples, but couldn't
figure out how to copy them.

2. Write letters to Santa Claus Cause.  Mine will say this.  Dear Santa Cause,  I know I must have been very naughty back in 2004 which is why I got breast cancer, but since then I've been really nice.  I know it might not exist but could you just bring me something that isn't pink and breast-cancer themed.  Love Anna.
Santa Cause.  Bringing
festive cheer and breast cancer
into your home this yuletide season.
3. Purchase Breastmas Tree.  (Click here for a better look at all 6.5 feet of this beauty).
As the Facebook targeted ad said: "Celebrate the season of hope
with pink-ribbon pizazz in this breast cancer support
pre-decorated pull up Christmas tree."

Pink-Ribbon Pizazz ???? Because that's definitely what my house needs
Season of Hope ????? I like Breastmas so much more.

Hang this and no one will ever forget.
And if they do you'll kick their ass.

4. Trim Breastmas Tree with tasteful Breastmas breast cancer ornaments.  
I might do my whole tree in these.
Good, honest, old-fashioned festive cheer.
So poignant.  Have fun explaining the
irony of this one to the kiddies.
Crafters Tip: If you can't afford to buy these delightful ornaments why not go all Martha Stewart and recycle those PET scan films that you've been hiding in your attic.  Just cut out circular discs (try and include the actual tumor pictures for more decorative flair), punch a hole in the top, thread through a skein of pink ribbon, and there you have it.  A real family heirloom to treasure and hang on your tree year after year.

5.  Link arms around beautifully decorated Breastmas Tree and joyfully sing this Breastmas carol.  But not before you've paid me a royalty which I will not be donating to Breast Cancer research:

We wish you a merry Breastmas
We wish you a merry Breastmas
We wish you a merry Breastmas
And a Cancer-Free New Year !

So ?  Did I go too far ?  Well maybe on the Breastmas carol, but I couldn't control myself.  But seriously. Are you hearing me Movember organizers ? People, I can't make this stuff up.  This is where we are and you don't want to be here. It's a scary ridiculous place. Please let this insanity stop.

Merry Breastmas.

EDITOR'S NOTE:  It seems I did miss one important item.  Thank's Gayle Sulik !

Don't forget to thank the pink Son of God for all my Breastmas blessings


  1. words truly fail.

    even an atheist christmas should not be feted with a pink-ribbon festooned tree. i'm jewish & i know that much.

  2. Can you even imagine walking into someone's house and seeing this? And I'm sure there's a breast cancer menorah out there just so we cover all bases.....

  3. Anna! I enjoyed this so much. Hysterical. I'm stealing the photo of "Yes, they're fake" button. I always want to say that to people.

    Great job!

  4. Stacey I can't make this stuff up. It writes itself!!!!

  5. Anna, Gotta love your sense of humor! I decided earlier I was NOT doing Christmas cards this year because what would I say? Um, this year I had breast cancer... This makes me think if I was really brave, I'd do something outrageous!! Your dog is really cute. Funny, my second most viewed post was the one about my dogs!

  6. I said before this stuff writes itself with very little embellishment required, trust me ! But I agree that having breast cancer sure is a buzzkill, although if there is one day of the year that I'd prefer not to think about it, Christmas would be it. How could these corporate marketers be so cruel ?

  7. You know, my husband gets a holiday card from American Airlines every year with Komen's logo on it... I guess breastmas has already begun! The craziest part of all of this is that it is totally plausible. You did forget one thing though...

  8. Oh, snap this is funny. In a really pathetic way. Excellent post!

  9. Exactly the point Gayle and Katie. Everything about this post is real. Except for the Breastmas carol......but given where we are now, I don't think it's that far-fetched.


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